Self Imposed Exile
by Rapunzel4
Summary: Aya ponders his loneliness and the possible causes for it while lamenting the chance he let pass by.


Disclaimers: I do not claim to own the characters or the concept of Weiss, nor do I make any money doing this.

Warnings: Angst, POV, light shounen ai

Author's Notes: Okay, I seriously need to talk to my beta reader about controlling her muse better. Just because mine got scared off by the prospect of moving to a new apartment does not mean she can take over. :grumble: She's lucky my frying pans are packed, or I'd take a swipe at her with them.

Self-Imposed Exile

By Rapunzel

Sunlight streams in through the window, lighting the room with a natural brilliance. It is deflected by my hair before it hits my down turned face, however, and I deliberately keep my eyes in shadow. Sunlight seems out of place to me. If the weather truly matched my mood, it would be pouring rain right now. Or perhaps it would be foggy, the thick, impenetrable kind of fog that can make you feel isolated and totally alone in the world.

That's how I've felt for a long time now. My parents died years ago, and my sister, my last living companion, sleeps endlessly. I never looked to my teammates for companionship. Why would it have been offered to me, the outsider, the tag on to a team that had functioned perfectly well before my arrival? To them I was an intrusion, and while they tried to be friendly enough, acceptance and companionship were not things I looked for or received from them.

Even as time passed, and I began to want more, I ignored the feeling. When Youji tried to poke fun and tease me as he did with the others, I sneered at him. When Omi presented me with smiles and good cheer, I brushed him off. And when Ken seemed to gravitate towards me, seek out my presence and spend time in my company, I dismissed it as my imagination. Why would they try to include me? Why would Ken look to me for friendship and possibly even more? The obsessed do not make the most pleasant company, and I would be lying to myself if I denied that I was obsessed with Takatori and my revenge. I would never truly be a part of their group.

Or so I thought, until last night. Now I have to wonder how much of the isolation I feel is my own fault. Because last night I was presented with the chance I had wanted, dreamed of. And of course, being the eternal idiot that I am, I tossed it aside.

/-/-/-/

_"Hey Aya?"_

_I looked up from my book in surprise to see Ken standing in front of me, fidgeting slightly. "What?" I asked shortly._

_"Are you doing anything tomorrow night?"_

_The question surprised me. Why should he care what I was doing tomorrow night? We both knew there was no mission, unless Manx decided to show up at the last minute, which she had been known to do. "Not that I know of," I answered honestly. "Why?"_

_"Well, there's this new movie out that I kind of wanted to see but movies are never fun when you go by yourself, so I was wondering if you wanted to come with me."_

_I stared at him for almost a full minute without saying anything, during which time his fidgeting increased. Finally, I said, my voice flat with disbelief, "You want me to go to a movie with you?"_

_"Well... yeah."_

_"Why don't you ask Youji or Omi?"_

_"Because I don't want to go with Youji or Omi," Ken answered, honest even under pressure. "I want to go with you."_

_"Why?"_

_"Because I do."_

_What a typical Ken answer. Sometimes I wished I could go back to the days when wanting something was all the explanation that was needed. However, I'd passed that point long ago. "Because you do?" I repeated, frowning. "What kind of an answer is that?"_

_Ken scowled at me, his hands balling into fists and his eyes filling with defensive anger. "Look, I'm trying to ask you on a date here! The least you could do is give me a straight answer."_

_If I didn't make such a point of controlling my expressions, I would have gaped at him stupidly. "A date?" I repeated, unable to believe my ears._

_"Yeah," Ken answered, averting his eyes as a crimson blush stained his face and spread towards his ears. "A date. So do you want to go or not?"_

_"You want to go on a date with me?"_

_I didn't mean for it to come out sounding sarcastic; I swear I didn't. Incredulity would have been closer to what I was experiencing then, but I had kept my voice and face devoid of what I thought and felt for so long that I couldn't revert, not even for that crucial moment._

_It amazed me how quick and volatile Ken's moods could be. One moment the red in his face had been due to embarrassment; the next instant, it was entirely due to anger. "You know what, forget it! I don't know what I was thinking, asking you! There's no way you would ever say yes! That would mean actually letting someone in for a change, wouldn't it? Well excuse me for trying! Wouldn't want to ruin your bastard image or anything!" he spat._

_And then he stormed out, leaving me sitting there to ponder his words and my own stupidity._

/-/-/-/

I wish that I could go back and relive that moment so that I could do things differently. I can't, of course, so instead I sit and brood on it. Ever since last night, when Ken left in a huff, I've been mentally reviewing everything he said and cursing myself for an idiot. To have passed up that chance, a chance I desperately wanted, how could I be so stupid? Thinking back on it, that chance might have been there all along, staring me in the face. How much of my solitude was really their fault, and how much of it was due to my own standoffishness? In my self-imposed exile, it never even occurred to me that the reason no one made an attempt to get to me was because I had shut them firmly out. Had I simply ignored all possible advances and tentative offers of friendship simply because I hadn't imagined such things possible? Looking back on it, I rather think I might have. In the end, I'm simply a fool who denies himself what he wants by denying the possibility that he will ever get it.

Of course, it's entirely probable that I will never get it. It's too late now. If their ranks hadn't been closed to me before, they certainly are now. The others know that I've upset Ken, and they automatically take his side. Youji has been making barely veiled comments about what a bastard I am all day, and even Omi, whose cheerful nature usually seems to invite confidences, has been ignoring me today. A part of me is angry at them for condemning me before hearing an explanation, but it is only a very small part. The rest of me agrees with them and accepts their judgment and their punishment as no less than I deserve.

I know I should try to set things right, go to Ken and apologize, tell him that I'm not as indifferent to his proposal as I seemed, but I haven't. Part of the problem is that a suitable opportunity hasn't yet presented itself. I think Ken is hiding, deliberately avoiding me after last night's fiasco. Yet I know that if I were motivated enough, I could seek him out and make an opportunity. I haven't done that yet, partially because I don't know what I would say to him. How could I possibly explain my actions in a way that would make him understand? I don't know that I can, and so I sit and wallow in loneliness and self pity instead of reaching out for what I want.

It seems to be something that I excel at.

Owari

Author's Notes: Well, there it is, short and bitter. I wrote this on a whim, and I may continue it if anyone expresses an interest for me to do so, but I figure this can stand alone.


End file.
